I like to think I would be good at Stand up. The likelihood of this ever happening is slim, but I though I would try it anyhow. As well, in light of the Sandy Hook tragedy I thought this would be better than talking about gun control or constitutional amendments. Enjoy and remember, life should be marked with laughter and happiness. Make your life count.
Did you ever notice in a Doctor’s waiting room people
usually sit as far away from other people as possible? You know what I like to
do when I walk into a waiting room? I scan the room and pick the people who are
alone and look crazy and sit next to them. It ensures a good time. I sit as
close as possible to them and I start to whisper to myself. I say things like “The last
time I was here he groped me and then laughed at the size of it”. or “They said
I don't have what it takes to really get in there all the way.” This
last one works effectively if you go to see a Gynecologist or a Urologist. Then
I laugh and rock back and forth a few times to add effect while rubbing the top
of my head. After a while the nurse comes to get me and before I walk back I
stop and turn to her in front of everyone and ask, “Is it him
again, cuz I don’t think I can go in there if its him again. The
last time he sang while he did his work and then poked his head up and asked if
I could join in on the course.” Then walk back slowly
while with my head down, maybe cry a little.
Crying usually evokes
sympathy but when I see other people crying it brings me joy. I figure if they
are having a shitty day enough to cry then I must be having the fucking time of
my life. That makes me happy. So I smile while they look at me and I stair back
so they know that I am smiling at them. Then I may ask, “But why
are you crying?” and they answer softly “….” Then I
laugh and say “SUCKS TO BE YOU!” and run away! I feel that
that is good Karma for me.
Karma is a funny little bitch isn’t she. I
saw a guy take money from a woman’s purse one day. I figured,
well if that bitch is too stupid not to keep her purse close to her, then it
serves her right to get her shit stolen.” The guy got off scott free.
Karma, shhhit. Nothing happened to him! The lady came over and asked me if I
saw anything, I said “Yeah. That dude stole some money.” She
asked
“Why didn’t I stop him?” I said “Cuz your
stupid ass didn’t care enough to hold on to your purse.” She said
“Well good luck getting paid today cuz that was your money for the
week.” What a shit log that whole thing was. I think Karma is a whore now.
So if anything goes wrong, I’m on top of that like Bill Clinton
on any available woman in a four county radius. I even try and help before I
really know what’s going on. Like one day this lady walking
across the street and this guy come out of nowhere and starts forcing this lady
back across the street. So I run out and start hitting this guys and telling
him to let her go. I finally get him away from her and then she got hit by a
car. It turns out the guy was her grandson and was trying to get his Alzheimer’s
grandmother out of the street so she did not get hurt. I looked right at him
and said “You failed real life Frogger.” Then I ran away because I don’t like
conflict or police officers talking about a murder trial. Karma almost got my
white ass that time, but I out ran her.
My nephew wrote a letter to Santa recently asking for Avengers
things. I told him he just might get everything on his list. He smiled and ran
away. Then I told his dad Rip that shit up, Santa’s a lazy bastard.
Santa Claus! What a fat
bastard. He gets to eat at every stop he makes, which is a lot of free food.
What a douche bag. The fact that we parade our kids around and make them sit on
a warm, fat old man's lap kinda scares me. AND, we let him break into our house
once a year willingly. Why? Don’t we usually spend all year
keeping our kids away from guys like that?
I don't have kids but I’ll tell you this, if I did
I would not let some fat douche bag break into my house and eat my food that I
paid for, so he can leave them some shitty present made by an enslaved little
person who does not get paid. (“They” don't
the term elf. Besides its politically incorrect.) Another point that makes him
a bastard is that he only works one day a year. That can't be good for the
economy! Jesus, now we have Santa Clause sucking up unemployment resources that
other people need. I think Obama needs to put his ass to work. I'm just saying,
might be good for the fat ass to work a little. Then he won’t be
eating everyone’s cookies and drinking their god damn milk. He’s gonna’ be too
busy being Obama’s bitch. I can see it now. Obama sitting on his
lap every time there’s a problem, asking for a fixed economy,
politicians to work across party divide and Hillary to continue as Secretary of
State. A magic way of life isn’t it? Santa would be working
for the government; John Boehner just might have to shut the fuck up for once
if this happens cuz then he’d be on the naughty list
and we don’t like people on the naughty list. We can use his
little dudes to build shit we need like bridges and roads or homeless shelters.
Maybe teach our kids how to me engineers, mechanics or happy mindless workers.
I’m just saying there are many possibilities. And don’t get me
started about what we can do with Leprechauns and the Easter Bunny.
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