Le Sigh.

Did you ever get to a point in your life where you feel just blah? Not sick, or depressed, but I would equate this feeling as being in a rut. Nothing exciting or new ever happens, you don't have any challenges, you time is as close to "managed" as possible and what ever does happen in your life is less than stellar.
  I think I have come to a point, be it a point that has come too soon, in my life where things have slowed to a halt. I have little to no challenges in my life, I have let most of my friendships lag, I have become routine, my work presents no challenges, no reward and does not produce a sense of ease. I have no money to do anything "exciting" and Jim and I seem to be running on opposite schedules all the time, with the exception of Saturdays. Its nuts... or rather boring.
  I guess a good start would be to go back to school, which I am doing this year. I have decided, with encouragement from Jim, to go back to school for my Certificate in Social Studies Secondary Education. Finally getting my biggest goal on track. That's nice, but I think this goal is lacking the spark I though I would have. Maybe it's because I have been out of School for almost three years now. Maybe its because I feel a little apprehension about going back after I have completed one degree to a totally new school, where I know not one person. I don't know, it could be all of that. The thing I keep reminding myself is that I want to be A Social Studies Teach! I love the idea of teaching people the concepts of what happened to get us to where we are today. I like reading, and presenting the information in an interesting way. I think I'll like taking attendance, assigning homework and grading papers and such. Everyone keeps telling me, its worth it, and I know they are right. I keep telling myself every time I go to work, "Its gonna be so much better when I'm a teacher." That I think, is a good mental start to getting me into the mind set of going back to school. I just hope I can complete this stupid math class I will be taking.
 As far as doing "exciting" things... well I have no money to do that. Jim and I are trying to live frugally with the exception of going to dinner. that is our "Stress free" time. I'm not going to complain about money since I know some people have it a lot worse than I do. I should mention, that I have come to the point in my life where I would rather hang out with people and do dinner, or a movie, or a board game then go to a bar. Jim and I go to the "up and coming comics" series in Scranton, which is a nice evening. But, I've gotten over the whole bar scene even before I got started. That's just not me. Give me dinner and good conversation any day.
  As for work, I want to find another job. How about one where I work with people and have more time to my work then other peoples. I also want a job that is less stressful mentally and more rewarding. I just hate the fact that I do all this work and the people who I am working with (Clients not staff) don't say thank you. (They can say it too. I have heard them.) Its a very hard job mentally working with people with intellectual disabilities. The job itself involves a lot of paperwork, finances and meetings, but the actual job of taking care of them is harder. You have to feed, bath them, make sure they have the right pills at the right times, deal with their behaviors and the golden rule: YOU MUST STICK TO A ROUTINE AT ALL TIMES NO MATTER WHAT. That equates to nothing new EVER. Dinner is at the same time, meds at the same time, showers in the same order at the same time, snack at the same time and given in the same order, out at a certain time and back by a certain time. If the schedule is disrupted even sightly, you have a behavior on your hands. Its not fun. I do get told I do a good job, but that's not the point. I am looking for a job that has meaning. Meaningful friendships. That I cannot have because I am the Manager and I am not suppose to befriend any of my staff. Meaningful line of work. I feel that I am helping someone in some way, but I don't equate that into meaning for me personally. ( I know that is weird and most of you would say that should carry some meaning, but it does not anymore, at least for me. Its sad I know.) I think I may have burnt myself out already working in this field. I have not taken one sick day as of yet at my job and I rarely take a vacation day or any time off. I know why they say the Social Services filed is exhausting now. It truly is.
  I don't want people to think, "Ah, your just depressed." or "Well that's life." or even ""Just suck it up, everyone goes through that." That is all shit advice and you know it. I am not complaining but rather venting a little. My life has just found a rut. Now I hate change, especially big change but I think I could use some of it right about now and that is saying a lot right about now.
  Maybe thing will change, maybe they wont but I am determined to stay positive even if I have to tell myself that a horrible situation is awesome. How else do I keep my sanity? I guess this goes back to what I said in my last blog about me trying. Not doing and setting myself up to fail, but trying. So, I shall try and stay positive. Hopefully some change comes along soon. Until then, I will be posting on here about things people want to say but can't. (Dont worry, this blog wont turn it to my life story. It will stay about things that happen to me, or things that go on in the world that are outrageous and that need to be talked about. I am contemplating writing about gun control but fear it might be to soon. Maybe that might be my next blog. Who knows.) Until then.