Where do I start? Its been so long since I last wrote and life, oh, life has taken me on a completely different journey. I've been completely busy, but it felt like a great time to write and so, here goes....
Lets start off in a sequential order. I've moved... to Florida! This was a hard decision on my part, but definitely worth it. It was time. Our grandmothers had passed away, our jobs were at a dead end and no new opportunities were found. Jim was offered a full time job here in the Fort Lauderdale area and well, that's not something you pass up. So, we packed up and made the incredibly long drive (The stories we could tell about this drive.)here to Florida where it is eternal summer. Anyhow, in January of 2018 we celebrated one year here. Its gone by so fast and we have learned to adapt, but we are happy.
When we first arrived, I admit, I felt a little lost, lonely and out of place. Change is hard for me for many reasons. Yet, we really needed it. Now, I feel at home and happy. Its a great place to live and there is a ton of things to do. So much has changed since we've moved and part of that was because I was pushed out of my comfort zone. (thank you Jim!!!) It sucked at first, but that has melted away.
Working in southern Florida has been interesting. I've been a tutor and a reading teacher, but have settled into a job with the Broward County Public School district as an African American history teacher. I know what you're thinking, "Kyle is the whitest, white person there is." and you'd be right. I even joked with the kids on Day 1 that of course they picked the white guy to teach them African American history. I got a couple laughs. However, working in a primarily black school, has taught me many things. It has introduced me to a whole new culture, socioeconomic and generation of students. (I've learned more in one school year then I could reading books and doing my own study.) While some days are challenging, most days are great. I've gotten to know my students and really understand them. This has been the most rewarding part of my job. In the last week I've reflected so much. I've seen more experienced teachers become jaded and I hope this is not my future. I will work hard to make sure this is not a path I take. I truly like my job.
Taking a look back, starting my new job as a teacher has been very hard. As a person who is type A and just shy of being a perfectionist, has proven to be more of a handicap. Throughout this process I have learned that I have major anxiety and to my horror, there is nothing I can do about it. Dealing with this was neither fun nor enlightening. I suffered months of sleepless nights, not being able to eat, and I had developed an internal voice that started to say how terrible I was at my new job, that I would fail or mess up. It was a very dark time indeed. It got so bad, I considered seeing a therapist. I talked to Jim countless times, I wrote, I prayed, I talked to Benia, yet nothing helped. It took me months to realize I was good at my job and that I might actually have a shot at helping these kids. I learned that I had a huge learning curve to over come and that change was, and still is rough for me to handle. I still get times where it seems like nothing is going right and sleep alludes me again, or I can't eat. I wish I could say I learned how to 'manage it' or shut the voice up, but I didn't. It something I have taken steps to work with, and deal with, but not something that can be conquered or controlled. It just a part of life, or as Jim would say about everything in life, "Kyle, It is what it is." That saying is slightly comforting.
Our social life has been an eye opening experience. We've started to make great friends. Who know it would take until almost middle age to make good friends? We've gotten to experience parks, bars, Pride parades, great places to eat, escape rooms, great movies festivals, beer festivals etc. Its just wonderful to be able to go to brunch on a Sunday, Coffee on a Wednesday or Dinner and Drinks on a Friday night. As well, I can't forget the beach. Living fifteen minutes from the beach is a great perk of living here. Although lets face it, I'm ghostly white. That plus the blazing hot sun does not equal a good outcome for Kyle. I've been sunburned so very much already. Sun Screen has become my new best friend.
We have two ties to our home in Pennsylvania, our house and our family. Our house, is something I will miss. We really did put a ton of time an money into that house. A piece of my soul is in the dry wall. I just know it. (Thank you Kathy and Jim for all the help!!!)
If anything I will truly miss the property. I spent so very long trying to make it a place of peace and I know I succeeded. I will miss the flowers and patio. Sadly, We will have to say goodbye to it soon as we are looking at buying here in Florida. This, we can't wait to do.
Our other tie to Pennsylvania is our family. I miss everyone of them!! Its very hard not to just get in the car and drive to your aunts, in-laws or moms house. I've missed birthdays, and holidays and believe me, its hard on the holidays. I use to think people that moved away should have to come home and visit because they made the decision to move away. However, now I know that they just missed us and wanted people to come and visit them when they were lonely. (By the way, I'm still waiting for other to come and visit us.)
Our families have been very supportive of us making the move. I'm so very happy they were. Its made it much easier. Its just hard missing everything.
Speaking of which, our family is expanding again. We are going to be adding two new babies into our extended family! I can't help but get excited when there is a new baby added. They are so cute and have that great baby smell! At the same time I see everyone else getting pregnant and having children and I can't help but think if having kinds is in the card for us. I, as always, look to my big brothers/ friends Chris and James during their process to see how that goes. I wish them all the best in adopting. Yet, I think I would like to be a father. I think it would be a fun experience. Expensive, Yes. Stressful, Yes, but worth it. Not that time is really a factor, but sooner rather than later would be nice. Then I could play hide and seek, or the floor is lava (I think I am dating myself here) or have an excuse to watch cartoons again. Its a sad and happy thought all together. For now, at least I have my three wonderful dogs whom I love very much to spoil, to run around and play with.
Enough self loathing. Over all I am still very happy with what has become my new normal. I've changed so much in the last year. Change, which has always been something I have been afraid of, has been slightly easier. Who knows, maybe I am actually growing as a person.
