A trip to Wal-Mart today has anyone horrified. My trips to
wal-mart usually consist of me roiling my eyes, countless "excuse me’s," cursing
in my head and at the end, just plain pushing my way through to try to get to
the Disney World size lines to check out. What fun, the Walton’s have
constructed. Thank god I have to enter a
tinder box of ugly, smelly and classless people in order to get the best price
on a DVD or food item.Thought the stories of what you see there would even shock Riplies, I am sure and often end with someone getting made fun of. I mean Have you seen peopleofWal-Mart.com? Its like something out of a Stephen King novel or Rob Zombie movie. Just when you though it was safe to go in, you run into the lady with the scooter, six teeth, body order and a tube top that fits just right in her side rolls.(Oh, Yeah Sweat stains under her pits turn a guy on! And that hair, it looks like you could never even get a brush through that rats nest. Classy)
If I had my way, I would change the people that shop at Wal-Mart
by enacting a couple rules.
11.
No sleep pants. First of all, nothing screams “I
live in a trailer and with my parents still.” More than sleep pants in public. (I
would even go so far as to say sweat pants are more acceptable in public.) They
don’t flatter your figure, and Scooby-doo or the word 'Juicy' written across your ass does not scream ‘sexy’.
In fact, they scream ‘shoot me’. Be a
normal person and wear jeans or shorts or a skirt or khakis … something other than
sleep pants. You look poor and nasty. Please for the sake of ever finding you other half, dont wear sleep pants... or yoga pants. (That's a whole other rant and I don't have the strength to do that now.)
22.
Only 100 people are allowed in the store at any given
time. While I love a good chat with the old lady telling me about her cats and
how she would never give them up, I think I could go without the random people
stopped I the middle of the isle chatting to their old high school friend or
neighbor while the fat guy and the old lady try to squeeze around in hope of
not disturbing their conversation.
Limiting the amount of people would also
decrease the size of the lines. Since Wal-Mart is so gracious to open only three of its twenty-five
lanes, by limiting people the three lines open would be appropriate. How wonderful.
That means I don’t have to stand behind Suzie and Jon-boy and listen to their
conversation about shooting squirrels. Oh, man am I going to miss that. Here I was
writing down tips to go squirrel huntin’ and now I’ll never know how to catch
em’.
33.
Only those who have a job can enter Wal-Mart. By
doing this I can keep from hitting all the people on food stamps, that buy
steak and name brand things with the money I pay into the government to cover
that bill. (As a tax payer, I feel that if I don't like what you are buying, I should be able to take it out of your basket if you are paying with government funds (aka, Food Stamps.) )
Conversation will be better as well.
Instead of talking to Suzie and Jon-Boy, I will be talking to Victoria and
Matthew who actually work for their money and are intelligent. No more ‘aint’ ‘em’
‘tree (three)’ and other unintelligible things, it could be “So Congress is
talking about passing Immigration Reform. What are your thoughts?” See
that?!?!? See what just happened there? I would have had an interesting
conversation.
44.
Old people would shop only in the morning. (Here we define old people as anyone who moves at a glacial pace, one who uses the word 'youngin', one who has survuved the great depression or one who remembers a slower time in life.) Since
old people suck the fun and quickness out of shopping, they would only shop in
the morning hours. Between 5am and 12pm, old people could shop till their
hearts desire. At the strike of noon, get your wrinkly butt in line and get
going. That way people can come in and shop fast, not having to worry about
having to get something off the shelf for Old woman McGee, or stop to talk with
old man Smith about the price of tuna. Also, there would be less ‘I can’t find this.” Or “young man, do
you work here?”’s AND BY THE WAY ALL OLD PEOPLE, I DO NOT WORK AT WAL-MART.
Just because I carry around a list, does not mean I am taking inventory. It means
I have a memory as equally bad as yours and don’t want to forget the pickles or
the soap. Even better, old people shopping in the morning would reduce the
couponers and change counters. “I know I have that three cents here somewhere.”
Would never be uttered again and people can go on their merry way of swiping
their debit cards and make the line go quicker thus reducing the time talking
to Matthew and Victoria about their ideas about their upcoming wedding.
55.
Lastly, I would put all the unhealthy stuff up
on high shelves. Because I am short and would like to eat healthier, I would
put all the potato chips and cookies on the highest shelves so I could not
reach it. Thus reducing the money I spend and the calories I consume. Put the
veggies and fruit on the eye level shelf’s and move the breads and processed
stuff to the back. I am lazy and so is most of America, so put the horribly
salted, high in calories and fat things all the way in the back. America would
lose a lot of weight quickly.
Wal-mart trips being pleasant? Not likely.
However, there is something we can do. Shop elsewhere. I understand people want
to get the best possible price for their eggs and CD’s but if the store aggravates
you like it does me, I think I would rather pay the extra forty cents
difference to get my milk from a Gerrity’s or Giant food mart. At least there I
don’t have to stare at pajama pants stuffed into the crack of some large woman’s
ass, and that, to me, sounds like a good deal. The flip side is I like a good Wal-Mart story. Most of the 'weird' people there are either in the circus, were in the circus or aspire to be in the circus. Those " you'll never guess what happened to me at Wal-Mart." stories always grab my attention. It would be a shame if those stories had to go.
